I’m.at work writing this its beautiful outside and I’m stuck on this 3-11 shift. I have to start hitting up the gym but silent hill downpour just came out yesterday so I’m basically gonna be on that for a while. I’m surprised how good it was seeing as it wasn’t developed by japans team silent hill. Back to work.

I have to say this move is really trippy and awesome and well i give it 4.5 stars and i’m not even half way yet. we will see. I’m just putting an entry in for today I have to be honest with myself about this and i caved lol. but I think i’m starting to control myself better. Anyways i had skimmed past this movie on Netflix and now i seem more opened to watch it and its a good thing because its pretty good. Pay Day tomorrow!! When I first started this job a couple of moths ago i would always work paydays and now I never work on payday even tho I don’t have a set schedule per say.

so is it real? I think for some people it is this is my first night without smoking it… before today i have smoked every night for the past 4 months. I feel good i’m occupied its one of the reasons ive started to write again. Its hard to say but i feel really low… i fucked up big time and my actions have had devastating consequences for a close friend of mine. We were busted at his place smoking pot supposedly the landlord’s daughter smelled it, we were being careless, and now the landlord is probably going to kick him out. I wish i could go back and not have done this to him but i can’t and honestly its all my fault one of our guys ran out of supply and i had to have it so i resorted to a shyster dealer got some stanky kushhhh and smoked it and there was a knock at the door and at that moment i swear i stared mortal terror in the face. Before i could grasp the gravity of the situation he had already punked out Jorge into admitting he was smoking weed. I can remember one time i ran out and noone that i knew had it and i literally was screaming at the top of my lungs cursing them all out i felt so deperate so anxious so uncertain so pissed off i snapped at everyone including my best friend who was only trying to help me get some but was the bearer of bad news. I missed my girlfriends birthday party and didn’t even go to see her the next day. it caused a bad break up and whenever we were still together all i wanted to do was get high. I didnt even want to hang with people unless it was to smoke. i loved it the feeling of wake and bake or getting baked at night watching Netflix for hours, it was an escape from my shitty full time job and my stagnant life. A friend of mine put it into perspective for me he was always telling me to chill on that shit and stay away from kush; when you’re on weed you’re not moving forward or moving backward you’re just staying in that same spot in your life its like you lose motivation to do anything for advancement…

I think I’m going to start writing in here again a lot of things have changed so far. I can remember when i first began writing on here it was back in the heyday of dare i say “social networking” which was actually around the time when it was all about XANGA just blogging with the side effect of becoming friends with people who liked what you wrote about or liked your stupid layout… I also seem to remember the period i went through where i tried to come off as precocious as possible or as was possible for a soon to be sophomore in high school. and sometimes i wrote about my boredom about my fears about not living my life to the fullest, about wasting a summer, or writing about something noteworthy or odd that happened to me. I wanted to document as much as i could of those days as possible. Maybe I knew that the fun times were going to end.
As i sat in my 8th period Algebra class, which i cut every chance i got, prepared to fail i thought for a couple of minutes about me and my close friends’ dream where we would all become famous rockstars together and own a big house and have super hot girlfriends and we would be high school dropouts who beat the system. That’s when I looked over to my friend Paul as he turned the many pages of the algebra final with a worried look on his face and then a sigh managed to escape him; It was at that very moment I knew that every close friend i would make would disappoint me and that following your dreams is utter bullshit and that promises are always broken and close friends even best friends become strangers and who you are isn’t who you think you are or who you will be in the next five years. And all the stupid beliefs you thought would change because people would change, the world would change, and you would change.
I felt abandoned i felt like it was him saying “fuck you i take back all those times we would cut class to chill at my house and play video games and drink from my dads homeade bar or drink shitty beer or play guitar and try to make riffs at my house or listen to music or be us agaisnt the world” So I did what every other creature on this planet does to survive. I tried my hardest trying to muster up fragmented memories of equations and what little i had learned wrecking my brain thinking what the fuck do i need to memorize the quadratic equation for and thinking about how whoever invented math had to be the biggest faggot ever. and when the scan-tron hit the machine only a handful of beeps were heard. I had passed with a C. A fucking C!!!!! I looked over to Paul and the look on his face had said it all he had failed. Luckily the teacher felt bad for both of us, mostly Paul, and let him retake it. He must have retaken it 3 times before he pulled of a D. As I watched him struggle i knew that our dream would never come true. I don’t know what I would have done if he tore up the paper and said FUCK YOU MRS BECKMAN!!!!!!!! AND FUCK YOUR CLASS!!! I think perhaps i would have followed him followed him into uncertainty. Perhaps its a good thing that i was betrayed and i just cant see it because ever since that day I’ve become more jaded and numb. It’s true what they say that no one will worry about you… nobody cares as much about you as you do. If i had failed would he find someone else to fill my spot as best friend and bassist of our band. All i know is that after that event things began to sour and sour bad..

So now im gonna be a CNA till i start my radiography program. almost done becoming a CNA just one more month. The last few posts were depressing so yeah since then i gotten better at pulling myself out of holes.Life is okay I stay pretty busy these days with school it feels so strange being back in school yet at the same time its just like i picked up where i left off. Anyways back to studying.

is it really that cold in there ?
that empty?
and sad? all those rooms
that cant be opened
insensitivity is almost fashionable
current state of affairs seems trite
a long walk lets take maybe what we need is not to be here
maybe we never needed this why am i so
cold now
its seems like  2 decades winter
and i can tell by the looks on their faces what i am
the creature living in a world without mirrors could see
angels so dear lay beside me
tattered and torn up wings if only they could carry me and accept me
up there in that marvelous place where they all see
why cant i see>?
incredibly articulate designs crystallized and tiny are falling on me
this place
home
the doors seem to turn on me its cold down here
its hard to speak and think and accept it
you know… happiness
why cant i be happy ?
why do the chemicals to happy flow slowly? and not at all
im tired
curling into fetal
the cold was lethal
a hand
perhaps from god
kept me warm…

and i awoke

Surreptitious movements under luminescent lights
the click clack of heels prowling on the plagued thought process of a miser
emptying out the hollowness onto a nightstand table
the leather casing holding voids
4 words escaping subtle
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
the vague seem increasingly secretive tension from miles away
a leech seems to drain on the ego
plump with the livelihood of his
the stomach turning emotions that suppress the words
turning point when the windows used to open
and the building had an escape plan seemingly simple
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
extirpate the facet of revelry
all the while maintaining your decomposure in an enticing shape
appealing to the eye
such as the fruit given to man
a perfectly constructed and terribly delicious bite at its brink
conclusion of failure all encompassing
bitten fruit soured, fermented, and rusted brown
turn the heads that seem to care
 naive are you to what they wear ?
the masks that linger around your bedroom seem to stare
wheres is your cloth stained red?
from your bodies that cra..shhhhh ed
filthy cloth
rancid perforation so vile
and yet you wear your pride and honor still>/??
your seemingly flickering halo on your appendages
the room that burns inside me and that torments me
the actions of the past are a mirror reflecting your face and
the creature
disgust and utter discontent burning tension
those yearnings of the past have lead him to demise
a soldier sitting caressing his wound
perhaps i should have severed my arm.

dripping water sipping
 glances to the left
 glances to the right
 12 0clock was all shewrote
dead ahead and set  the timer
immolation in a fire
scantily clad in your sundays best
no one new youve seen  the rest
fuck

Netflix/ new windows in my room/ new sheets haha and then the many eyes that have gazed at my ceiling.

I wonder why smoking in a forest preserve during the fall with all the beautiful foilage and the still somewhat warm sun embracing me the light accompanying me the perfect counterpart to an otherwise cold day/(listening to taking back sundays where you want to be) calms me down.

seemingly beautiful and exciting… the times when i feel on the verge of life its a teeming a huge vase about to overflow with massive quantities of water but the water is still yet building up and hugging the glass. I procure this feeling a lot.] what it means and why it happens if i really want the water to overflow cause it never seems to… or maybe this rush is more amazing.

Im deciding to write in here more often I feel like such a different person than I was before and kind of like Ive lost sight of my love for writing.

its hilarious to think and  undoubtedly believe that a guy writing about his emotions is stupid.
on the contrary i find it stupid to not write or say exactly what you want to say when you want to say it.

Eriks emotions of the day= 1 part confused, 2 parts anxious, -5 parts romantic, 3 parts bottled up jerk, 2 parts optimistic, 1 part xD

I feel like my shiny toy gun has lost its luster its rusting no longer intriguing but familar and embued with memories
she confuses me. why is this affecting me?  ever since that one day I knew i couldnt be the lamb i had to be the slaughter

sharpens knives*

sorry guys but i just realized im devastatingly amazing hahahaha nah j/k well sorta.

“well I never told you.. everything i learned about breaking hearts… i learned from you ,,, its true., Ive never done it with the style and grace you have.. but i made lots of plans based on these mistakes.”