thoughts of this world yielding beautiful images in my mind the room collapsing on ideas that this world was beautiful

positive thinkers of the world in my thoughts

 and a feeling that this room with the sunlight flickering and unrelenting in its stride to shine

was the start of great things to come

floral patterns with a yellow orange tinge hang peeling themselves off dirty walls

the window holds the beeauty of my neighborhood in an ever-changing framed picture

the eyes watered and emotions got the best of him he screamed and the world heard his screams

authentic screams will always be heard

such rage dissapointment and such emotion creates a vibration in the heartstrings and causes this strange pain in him

best described as a dropping of sorts like the feeling of a rollercoaster

except you feel sad and it hurts... the pain becomes tangible somehow

pulling shades and the backyards glistening with moisture

parks and playgrounds that melt on your memory pallete and paint themselves forever

sounds of planes overhead disrupting silence so meticulouosly

soundtrack the vocals

collect the faces and let them disrupt you

erasing destructiveness producing numbness yet destroying fondness

awake in a lucid dream offering eternal bliss and the party ends when timeframes cease to be unimportant

id wake and find i didnt know what day had passed and fallen on yesterday

the days collided into each other and i saw the reign of a queen had ended

we were all clients in this warm office that held the promise of the ability to love again

strings hanging from the sky and red balloons tied at the other ends made us smile we waited for the warm rain to

 fall on us and the sky to open up and smile on all of us the children so eagerly waiting underneath small roofs

outdoors watching the earth consume our playground and destroy it so peacefully

 and the sky opened this time for good and the sun dried the water and the colors  tainted the sky with subtle refractions of light.

we felt taken aback

numb, warm, happy, a tinge of sandess,   excitement, fullfillment, joy, ectasy, unwavering optimism

at that moment we took to the white hall and opened all the doors...

Cold inaffectionate room

walls that rape your thoughts and pry into a disarray of personal affects and objects and stories and lies and yearnings of a nostalgic era

2004 was a great year for me

music genre i loved was in its prime

the sun shined so bright on everything and the green papers meant nothing

living without dependence on poison and having fun meant staying sober

we always had fun and never gave into dirty hands or lined up on the planks

night streetlights and failed romances curling up next to you in an air conditoned room

writing about your day reading other friends interest laced fragmented thoughts and sentences

meeting people in the invisible room with no walls just invisible wires and codes

their thoughts,  stories, and romantic hangups: the ability to relate to them and learning about girls

and all the lacerations they can make on a developing ego

growing up and everything was a huge world teeming on the very thought of excitement

breaking up/ making up

 the grand kings and queens who met at young ages and set the standard so  high for those to follow

 flirting with concepts, no longer girls, who knew not what they wanted and didnt care

silly spring flings that you thought were the end of the world

innocence and lack of heartbreak yield a great summer on its brink

and a crappy one at its end...

lets hang from trees and not think of anything else but making it a priority to soak up the fun

aand the stars at night are always just mysterius lights with unexplainable beginnings and ends

fuck balls of fire and gas....

these stars of ours are lights for the children at night

and when you held her hand you swore you would poke a hole in the skyy and make her a star

and she was your reason

back when nothing really mattered yet everything mattered

having fun was doing stupid shit with your friends

growing apart

felt like tight rope walks.

Why do i feel like theres nothing there anymore

this ferris wheeel ride feels so unpoulated and rusty

falling into the lake it protruded over

at the bottom its dark and cold

when do i jump out>?

somehow attics seem magical to me :a room full of memories yet its at the top

forgotten and warm

 and the view from here is

a) amazing

b)inspiring

c)happy

all of these

lumps of clothes causing portruding shapes on empty beds

shoes off socks on

tiptoe

sneak out and prey on life make it yours

this summer has not ended

alcohol is soo lame

do something fun

something youll remember and feel good about tommorow

drinking to forget was a broken handle bar

aand the telephone lines were creating conversations miles away

the children were at play

our lives were all disarray or so we thought and wrote about

the screen seemed not to relieve but comfort. when did we stop writing what we wanted and

instead type statuses that would yeild 40 likes and many more comments

did we ever write for ourselves

i like to think that we did.

Life is unrelenting unforgiving yet spontaeous and exhilarating ... depressing and affirming... dark and bright full of friends and empty rooms

i felt as if i were in a white hallway and as i passed all these doors were open and inside i saw people

some that i knew and some that i didnt

they were all having natural fun: the kind that mimicks a cocaine binge

i saw many interesting things and when i came to my room i took off my jacket and jumped in...

now i try to go back there and all i see are rooms with individuals, cold hard statues, staring at mirrors and they are surrounded by statues

the walls are collapsing and the windows are rusty and the world outside the windows is grey and empty

and as i came to my room the door was rusted shut.

"room let me in... pleaase"

there was a knock and it opened i sat down and saw..

 

 

writing stupid words down yet they never make me feel better. Its cold in my room te a/c is on full blast and I feel like she is cold too. I hate immaturity and worse when it belongs to a girl i care about. SO WHAT? we havent seen each other in a week and her only day off was today. I'm sorry but i went into debt for the last couple of months just to go see her every other day and now that im broke she gets mad at me. FUCK AM I DOING WITH A GIRL LIKE THIS...??? I've sacrificed so much for her and im the best boyfriend shes ever had so what the fuck is her deal>>!?? im trying and its not like she is helping its always take take take take with her. She would rather waste her money on friends and a good time then give me gas money so i can see her. hey thats cool and all but dont ever fucking complain about not being able to see me. I HATE THAT I CARE SO MUCH... I JUST NEED TO END THIS NOW. ITS SO HARD THOUGH ITS LIKE A SEVERED LIMB YOU STILL FEEL PAIN IN THE AREA WHERE IT ONCE WAS...