I want to learn how to dissociate and become separate from myself. It might sound kind of lame but I tried to do this on the way back from school. It's a corrupt coping method but it works. I want to step back and observe myself...

I consumed your facade
it was delicious
yet i felt incomplete
your personality is so transparent
a walking disorder
 and your sense of self is a lie

So I'm practically screwed in my photography class but I really don't care anymore.
I always wanted to know how that felt
to not give a damn...

smell of sulfur in the dimly lit room
and the pupils begin to dilate
the clanking and sloshing
equipment and chemicals
creating memories in near darkness
I'd wait for the picture to come close
close...
to some semblance of paradise
I captured you in your finest hour
when your melancholy was a repressed memory
my negatives hold life
preserve life....

my model/subject betrayed me
like paint betrays the artist
and rests on a music sheet silence a musician

I don't care anymore
I let go of the dice
and never looked back.

The world in all its entirety truly is an unfair place, getting past it all to see the real beauty of the world makes it all worth it. Those fleeting moments are the ones we should try and keep...but somehow they're the ones we seem to forget about.

"not throwing stones at you anymore."

Is there something wrong with me? I want these so called attachments yet when I have them I distance myself from them... What is up with this social paradox? Am I really content being independent? I think I just like the freedom of not having to maintain these relationships. hahaha is that so messed up? To want social interaction and to yet not have to always be there. Here's to learning how to be a friend and the struggles that follow this burden and gift...

I wrote on your coronary arteries
Injected the serum into your bloodstreamm
hopefully your pretty eyes glaze
I'd keep them as mementos of your beauty
the romantic open heart surgery was a failure
this gurnee pools your blood
the morgue holds a special place
the tag on your toe
the ivory dress becoming velvet
I held you before
equal to a warm rain on a cold day
I wish you would stay.
yet the clock murders my time with you
thoughts becoming a busy street
and a silence so pure it comforts me
these telephone lines separate our vocal chords
this is where we begin...

The day was on tiptoes and the air was cool
warmth from the blankets kept me at bay
I knew today was the start of hell
it would tear at my recently healed wounds
lacerations and hell fire
I despise the state of affairs
and buckle under this heavy burden
If I knew my passion, life would carry me
I see these plastic people
they favor the smell
fresh plastic
can I get you a hundred dollar bill to wipe your a$$
would I trade lives?
knowing what I know...
riches and oblivion
or rags and intellect and wisdom
knowledge trumps shiny toys
I'll watch you die
poisoning from sucking on your new toy.
They say the oven cooking this earth will end us all
I know it's a fucken lie!
just another excuse to tax
robbing the poor and lining the pockets of "martyr" thieves.
I'll laugh and watch as their sons and daughters od
on a drug supplied by our tax dollars.
I hope your money fucken buries you.
The company you keep is a piece of paper...

I feel totally humbled out. So I ended up waking up really early to drive to the only Maaco for miles and quiet possibly the closest one. The guy gave me an estimate of 203 dollars, so I sucked it up and payed with cash in full. The end result was amazing... The paint looked just like all the rest. They had to spray the whole bumper for some reason but it looks good and the color matches the original paint. Best thing about the whole thing, only my sister and Mom know about it and my dad is oblivious to my sneaky plan. It almost as if it never happened.

It's amazing how the universe works in your favor for the longest... and then out of nowwhere fucks you over and sideways... story of my life. As soon as I get used to something or everything seems to be going my way something always ends up fucking me up. I hate the fact that I'm 19 years old and my parents treat me like I'm still 14. Yo so today I chilled with my best friend basically all day. and we watched a little Trainspotting and some of Crash. I came home at exactly 9:57 p.m. and my dad tells me out of no where "Why So Late?" I replied "Its only 10." This would have started some big fucking deal if he had good enough ears to hear me but I guess he didn't. This is fucking ridiculous! 10' oclock is not fucken late.  I'm getting so tired of this pride shit/thier old fashioned upbringing. I shouldn't have to deal with this kind of juvenile treatment, who the fuck do they think I am!!>>?? ayways today I backed up into a post with my dads jeep. No dents or anything just some minor paint peeling off. But with my luck this is going to totally backfire on me. I'm planning on telling them I didn't even know about it, and that someone must have hit it while it was parked. Then they'll probably tell me it happened because I was out late and some asshole hit the car because I was out. This could result in many outcomes. My dad takes his car back and makes me drive my old stickshift, or my car priveleges get taken away, or I get yelled at. Whatever happens I'll pay for it. It's not like a huge thing just some chipped paint. However parents tend to exaggerate these things and I'll never hear the end of it.

I feel so strange on break last night err. today, actually, I went to sleep at 5 a.m. and woke up around 10.  On another note I'm stoked because I finally restrung my five string bass with some DR strings. So I'm prettty much ready to start jamming again. With my newly gained inspiration at hand I should be pumped to start practice again in the summer. I really wish I had discovered this album two years ago... It would have helped me get through a lot. But really any time is the right time to discover amazing music. Oh yeah I forgot to write in here about last Thursday. I borrowed my dads GPS system and Jennifer and I went to go chill at Woodfield mall, which is extremely far from where I live, and its also one of the biggest malls I've ever been to. (Jennifer is this really chill girl I met in my photography class and we get along famously, I enjoy hanging out with her.) Anyways so we were supposed to be taking pictures for our stakeout project, but this rent-a-cop comes up and tells us theres no photography allowed in the mall... which is total bull. Anyways that idiot ruined a perfectly good roll of film, I basically had to rewind the film to take it out so I could return the camera to the photo lab. I was so pissed.

I've never felt so strongly or was so sure I loved a band and their music until Friday when I picked up this cd. It's like I enjoyed music before this but nothing has ever impacted me so much like this since I first listened to Poison The Well's You Come Before You. glassJAw blew my mind with the amazing collaboration of the vocalist's strange yet melodic and at the same time angsty vocals combined with the assault of all the instruments. I have to admit at first I was like WHAT THE FUCK is this? and Oh no I shouldn't have bought this cd without listening to it first.But then after a split second I fell In love.  I'm actually glad that I made this impulse buy because It helped me to fall back in love with music.

"I keep you jealously to myself."

no but I think my school got pranked... there was a real legit looking poster that said free pizza from 12-3.

   

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these past few posts have been a little depressing...

so without further ado heres the MCGANGBANG!!!

This disgustingly delicious sandwich owned my life today.